Queen of This Tiny Land

Celebrity Future: Kim Richards

2011-03-08T15:24:00.000-08:00

Kim Richards...

meet your future!

Tanya Tucker!

Marcel Vigneron on SyFy

2011-02-03T15:38:00.000-08:00

"Vigneron powers...activate!

Shape of...foam!

Form of...a second foam!"

If you like your food devoid of soul and full of jerks, tune into Marcel's Quantum Kitchen on SyFy! Premiering on March 7, 2011.

"It's a Living" Christmas Spectacular!

2010-12-20T09:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa:

Please bring me an Ann Jillian wig this year. I've been extra good.

xo,QoTTL

I'm so tired of Christmas music that I made my family listen to the theme song for "It's a Living" on repeat while we trimmed the tree last night.

Well, good morning, sleepy head!

2010-11-12T22:17:00.001-08:00

Maron! Pardo! Tompkins!

2010-11-08T17:16:00.000-08:00

Visit my new site for interviews with podcasting comedians and reviews of their live performances!

Marc Maron: Smart, funny & disturbed. My favorite combination since dark chocolate & salt!!

Claire Danes for Latisse: My So-Called Lashes

2010-07-09T09:45:00.000-07:00

This commercial is wrong on so many levels. Not the least of which is the unruly-spiders-for-eye-hair that Claire is now sporting.

Sally Draper is Turning Trix!

2010-06-26T18:00:00.000-07:00

My Daddy is in advertising ... IN THE FUTURE!

Top Chef DC: John Somerville will be played by Jeff Goldblum

2010-06-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

Top Chef DC sanely asked John "Rasta Goldblum" Somerville to pack his knives and go. In his own words, "I barely had a chance to pull a knife out of my bag." I take that as a threat.

He also tries to mind-snuggle us with "women really love my pastries" and "I'm a really likable kind of a guy." Kind of.

Also, his "toenails grow at a rate that you can't even believe." Oh, that kind of likable.

Hear him say those words and others that will make you never want to eat again:

When he tries to slash Eric Ripert's obscenely beautiful francoface after sneaking back on-set, his sad little toenail-clipping-strewn life story will be made into a movie. And he will be played by Jeff Goldblum wearing several aged and tranquilized llamas on his head.

Creepy Puppets: Steve Carell is Fats

2010-06-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

The Amazing Kreskin Knows You're Reading This

2010-06-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

Children of the 70s will surely remember having their collective minds blown by The Amazing Kreskin. He lets you know right up front that he's amazing.

Did you also know that his ENTIRE WORLD is amazing? You and your pot-addled / bored / empty / nostalgic mind can be amazed once again as you enter The Amazing World of Kreskin on Hulu.

The show answers the question: What if John "Crossing Over" Edwards had a touch of aspergers and paid a visit to the set of Joker's Wild?

Kreskin not only freaks out the audience by knowing that they know someone with a letter J name, he also graciously hosts a series of poorly-lit celebrities, most of whom have an allergy to natural fibers and regular skin care.

Dame Sybil Leek anyone? How about a hot cup of James Coco?

I'M WITH COCO -- JAMES COCO.

BUY T-SHIRT OR MUG!

Baked Kale Chips from Top Chef Masters

2010-05-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

If you were intrigued by Chef Jody Adams' Lisa Simpson-inspired plate of vegetarian goodness, which included baked kale chips, then we have at least that in common.

I made them tonight, and they really are addictive. The taste reminds me of roasted broccoli, the texture like roasted seaweed snacks.

Here's the method I tried, based on both Chef Adams' recipe from the Top Chef website, and Lucy Del Rey's recipe on AllRecipes.com.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Take 1 bundle of organic curly kale, and tear the leaves off of the central stem.
Tear the leaves into bite-sized pieces. Wash and dry them thoroughly.
Spread them on a cookie sheet, and toss with about 1/2 Tbsp. of olive oil. Alternately, spray them with olive oil or canola oil.
Bake in preheated oven until the ends begin to turn brown and crispy. Both recipes note this as 10 minutes, although both of my batches took closer to 15 minutes.
Sprinkle with sea salt and any other flavorings you want.

Jummy!

The kale chips keep surprisingly well, so bake a big batch to make healthy snacking easier.

Marc Maron Stops Being "Defensive Ass": WTF?

2010-05-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

On Monday, I had the pleasure of interviewing Marc Maron about his extremely successful podcast, WTF. The podcast is the perfect combination of monologue and conversation with his comic peers.

Maron talks about keeping the podcast free, bringing out the unexpected in his guests, and why his days of being a defensive ass have run their course.

>>>READ THE MARC MARON INTERVIEW<<<

Also, if you are anywhere near San Francisco on May 10-12, go see Marc Maron at The Purple Onion in North Beach. His live performances are always fresh, brilliant, and definitely not predictable. See a comic genius at work on the same stage on which Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor once performed.

>>>READ ABOUT MARON IN SF<<<

Download WTF for free here.

Creepy Puppets: Love Is a Stranger by Eurythmics

2010-04-03T17:42:00.001-07:00

This video used to scare the hell out of me because of the 1.5 seconds of ventriloquist dummy used therein.

Eurythmics: Love is a Stranger. A fantastic song that no longer makes me wet myself.

I AM WOMAN?

2010-03-07T21:08:00.000-08:00

Did they really, honestly play "I Am Women" for Katheryn Bigelow's Best Director Oscar win tonight?

Why yes. Yes they did.

Congratulations, Helen Reddy. My condolences to anyone else in the 21st century who thought we were in the 21st century.

The Daily Show: Bank of America has some nice dresses for you, Karen

2010-02-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

Absolute brilliance ensues at the :50 second mark of this clip.

John Stewart encapsulates how credit card companies find more creative ways to screw their customers than Xaviera Hollander. *rimjob*/*rimshot*

Then Wyatt Cenac talks with a former Bank of America employee to discuss how B of A is worse than the mafia.

Really.

He talks to a former mafia loan shark. Turns out the Bank of America has some beautiful Dior dresses for you, just around the corner. Go ahead.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Make it Rain - Bank of America

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

The Daily Show, "Make It Rain", February 23

Hair is a Never-Ending Subject

2010-02-18T21:21:00.000-08:00

Madam(e), I'm Adam

2010-02-17T21:48:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday, Corky St. Clair!

2010-02-05T16:27:00.000-08:00

I adore birthday boy Christopher Guest.

Why?

Hope For Haiti Telethon Uses New Media

2010-01-20T11:49:00.000-08:00

The "Hope for Haiti Now" telethon is using new media to become one of the most widely-broadcast events in history. Find out how online streaming, iTunes and mobile broadcast will help reach a massive global audience and raise money for Haitian earthquake relief.

Hope for Haiti Telethon Uses New Media: Event for Earthquake Relief Broadcast Online, Via Mobile & iTunes

Hope for Haiti Now (January 22) will be one of the most widely-broadcast events in history, thanks to online streaming, mobile distribution, iTunes, & dozens of networks.

Dear Alex & Annie...

2010-01-13T21:25:00.000-08:00

I'm desperate! What should I do? In these troubled times, our nation could use a hit of Dear Alex & Annie. Not a child of the 70's? Didn't watch upwards of 6 hours of television each Saturday before hitting the pool? It is my honor to school you in the ways of Double A.

CLIFF'S NOTES:

Two youngish summer-stockers looking for work come upon an ad:

Noted specialist in child psychology needs unthreatening, kind of telegenic hosts to serve as mouthpieces to improve shabby pre-teen lives through laughter and song. Ability to shoot real sincere glances at the camera a must.

Thousands would enter. Two would win.

Beginning at approximately 57 seconds into the clip, you'll discover the inspiration for Disney's smash hit "The Princess & The Frog". From acorns, my friends. From acorns.

And they get as good as they give! "That's not very 'riginal," Annie chides Alex when he attempts to form his own thoughts. Proving that what's good for pre-teen geese is good for the gander.

Oh, Dear Alex & Annie,

We need you more than ever!

Americans need your pat advice,

All animated and clever.

So, tie on that bandana!

Buy some mousse! Blow dry!

Flat-chested girls across our land

Need your help to land a guy.

Faye Dunaway's Sitcom

2009-06-02T13:34:00.000-07:00

Faye Dunaway had a sitcom.

It's like discovering that Ruth Bader Ginsberg spiked a mean volleyball in her forgotten, big-boned youth. Or that Aretha Franklin twisted balloon dachshunds as a party clown.

"It Had To Be You" lasted for about one month in 1993, and it seems just right that Robert Urich also starred.

Delicious recipe for 4-episode success?

3/4 cup Dunaway as publishing big-wig
1/2 cup blue-collar Urich
3 blue-collar kids from previous marriage
1 tsp awkward chemistry
1 Tbsp Gumption of Dunaway

Stir until agents are nearly fired.

Notice the discomfort in your lower chakras as you attempt to internally resolve the incongruity of Faye Dunaway and a laugh track.

Bonnie Franklin Taps Her Way Into America's Heart

2009-05-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

"Julie!" ~ Bonnie Franklin, One Day At a Time

Fact: Bonnie Franklin loves to tap. "Maple trees? That ass?" you may ask. No! Tap dance!

And, I'll let you in on a little secret: Bonnie Franklin hates to exercise. I know these things because I read the cover of her DVD, "I Hate to Exercise, I Love to Tap, starring Bonnie Franklin".

Out of 74 customer reviews on Amazon, this gem of a video has received 66 five-star reviews! From people who aren't being snarky! So, it seems she is a legit triple threat: acting, dancing, sassy. God bless her perky-but-had-it-up-to-here heart.

You can own it. You should own it. Own it.

Creepy Puppets: The Wiggles

2009-05-16T08:29:00.000-07:00

In what universe did The Wiggles not get sued out of existence for scaring the hell out of innocent parents with their homemade Devil Dolls?

If you enjoy creepy puppets, scaring small children, or having nightmares, then you're sure to love this fabulously awful early incarnation of the now-slick Aussie syndicate.

Bear in mind that this was developed by men with early education backgrounds in order to entertain, not permanently scar, small children. The kids may be alright, but I'm writing this from the fetal position.

What puppets freak you out?

Susan Powter: Stop! The insanity is online.

2009-05-12T15:29:00.001-07:00

Susan Powter has a website full of the inexplicable ramblings of a woman with bicep-loads of misplaced confidence garnered from years of people telling her that the advice to "eat, breathe and move" changed their lives.

It's fabulous.

Her core advice is akin to wisdom dispensed by a mafioso laundering money through a gym in New Jersey. "To loose da extra weight? I think yous oughta eat, breed, and, uh...move. Okay? Have a nice day."

Here's one of Susan Powter's video diary entries. Interspersed with her bon mots are many, many cuts to flowers and trees. For extra fun, imagine that the foliage is saying things like "Are you okay, ma'am?" and "Leeet's get you up and walking, kiddo. Come on, don't fall asleep on me."

Bad-min-ton is the game.

Here's Powter lobbying for a position with Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap:

Simply explained, totally understandable and it's true, and you get and you get and you get, extended by popular demand, the kind of demand I like, do it now, it's time! 

Also, people write in asking for her advice, and she disgorges gems like this:

Q: Do you believe raw food is better than cooked b/c of the enzymes that are live? Do you believe that cooked foods are addicting?

A?:
I don't
And
Suggesting
Raw for
The epidemic
And it is
Of obesity
Facing millions
Is well
What it is...
Let's start
With movement
And
Whole more
Than processed
Then a little
Lean muscle
Mass and
Cardio endurance
And, now........

I had to put it to sleep. Let's tell the children that Susan's answer has gone to live on a farm with other visionary writing.

Taken as a whole, the site has a soothing Ti-and-Do-meet-Intervention feeling about it. Especially enjoy the coherent "Don't even talk to me re: nipples" post.

Susan Powter is ratbones crazy, and I applaud her efforts at documenting said crazy on her website.

TrendTrition: Grapples, fruit with low self-esteem!

2009-05-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

Last week, my husband grabbed apples from the grocery store for his office stash. As they sat on the counter, I noticed a distinctive faux-grape aroma wafting from ... did Mark start wearing Bonnie Bell lip gloss again? Snork! It's the apples. Or rather...

...GRAPPLES!

Anytime you see an ingredients list on a package of apples, run to the farmers' market and hug your local farmer and maybe roll around on the produce in a fit of kitty-in-a-field-of-catnip ecstasy.

This isn't the result of the Future Farmers of America field trip to the Island of Dr. Moreau. It's straight-up ~~injection~~ infusion into the apple of "natural and artificial grape flavors", which is like Spanx or collagen injections for produce with a wonky super-ego.

Check it: the anthropomorphized Grapples look freaking thrilled to not be themselves anymore. Much like makeover winners with lots of rejection issues, Grapples virtually cry out "Eat me!"

But, I think they're the laughing-on-the-outside/crying-on-the-inside kind of fruit, so I won't.

Coming soon: blueberries that taste like gravy.

Suite 101: Kids Can Become Vegetable Lovers!

2009-05-10T16:05:00.000-07:00

In my continuing series of articles on Suite 101, discover how to teach your children to LOVE vegetables.

The most recent article, "Participation Turns Kids Into Vegetable Eaters", teaches you four simple, effective ways to use participation as the key to encourage healthful eating.

The series continues throughout May and June on Suite 101.

Mike Birbiglia on The Moth

2009-05-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

Comedian Mike Birbiglia is everywhere right now ~ off-Broadway in his one-man "Sleepwalk With Me", Comedy Central, The Moth, This American Life, and floating through space on his website.

I first heard Mike Birbiglia on The Moth podcast, telling one of the funniest stories to have churned through my fraying earbuds in the past year. His delivery is slow-burn, the story is stupefying. Listen to it now. For free. THE POWER OF COMEDY COMPELLS YOU.

Charles Nelson Reilly DVD for free?! Read on!

2009-05-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

As we approach the two-year anniversary of Charles Nelson Reilly's death, there is no better time to remember the singular wit of one of the 1970's most flamboyant and un-closeted entertainers (which is to say, he was never really out, but never really in).

Here's CNR and the late Brett Somers busting chops:

I consider myself very lucky (thanks to my friend Kevin) to have seen Charles Nelson Reilly onstage in 2004 at the El Portal Theatre. "Save It For the Stage: The Life of Reilly" was his one-man memoir performance, and it was a surreal pleasure to see him in person. I was 8 months pregnant at the time, and the fact that I could sit still for 2 hours to watch a man reminisce about his life from birth to present day is a testament to Charles Nelson Reilly's natural ability to entertain.

While you can no longer get within ascot-sniffing distance of the dearly departed CNR, you can own the film adaptation of his one-man show for free (wha?) with the purchase of any one of a number of classy t-shirts at charlesnelsonreilly.com.

Here's one of the best moments of Saturday Night Live's not-very-classic years. Alec Baldwin as Charles Nelson Reilly. It's as if someone crept into my head during a particularly intimate moment of abandon, and then made it into a little skit.

About 4 years ago, I ~~ran into~~ freaked out Alec Baldwin over my love for this sketch.

Saturday morning, The Grove, on my way to breakfast at The Farm.

Alec Baldwin, alone, blustering across the nearly empty promenade, clearly on his way to point B.

Me (more ebullient than I had intended): "Mr. Baldwin, I just have to tell you that your impression of Charles Nelson Reilly was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen on television."

Alec Baldwin (face briefly distorted in confusion/fear-for-life): "Um...thanks? Thanks." Continues on his way to point B, only more quickly.

Don't hate me because I have such fabulous encounters with celebrities.

Here's to you, Charles Nelson Reilly. Your glasses wiggle will never die.

Aaron Altman: Cerebral, supportive hijinx await!

2009-05-08T18:25:00.000-07:00

Plinky prompt of the day:

"Which movie's characters would you befriend in real life?"

Broadcast News: In a movie full of newsy backstabbers, Albert Brooks' character is funny, supportive, smart, funny, neurotic, lovesick, funny, kind of sweaty, and altogether endearing. And funny.

I love Albert Brooks.

And so, I would hang out with any of his characters, even Hank Scorpio.

"Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If needy were a turn on?"

Typically, not so much. But in the form of Aaron Altman, shape of Albert Brooks, I know we'd make great wonder twins.

Buy This Book: DIRT: The Quirks, Habits, & Passions of Keeping House

2009-05-07T19:01:00.000-07:00

Check out the new collection DIRT: The Quirks, Habits, and Passions of Keeping House edited by Mindy Lewis.

This outstanding collection features my fabulously talented friend since forever, Kayla Cagan. Her essay "We're Tired, She's Hired" gives voice to the internal angst of hiring someone to clean your home. And the guilt that arises from feeling guilty. If you've ever had someone do your dirty work, you've felt it ~ now read it in the voice you wish you had.

Besides, DIRT was featured in "O Magazine". As an American, you are obligated to purchase this Oprah-sanctioned work.

Dom DeLuise: 1933-2009

2009-05-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

Comic actor, chef, effeminate heterosexual, and friend of Muppets & sandwiches everywhere, Dom DeLuise died in his sleep last night at the age of 75.

Here's Dom losing his composure for a really, really long time in the never-tiresome, inside-jokefest Cannonball Run outtakes. Watch as Burt Reynolds pretends that he's not a complete asshole ("See, I'm LAUGHING HARDER than ANYONE!").

TrendTrition: JELL-O is health food now!

2009-05-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

American food companies heart buzzwords. Omega-3's on the Today Show? Antioxidants in Parade Magazine? Oprah loves fiber! Time for 100-Calorie Packs of Omega-3 Whole Grain Oreos with AntioxidantPlus! Because that's better than eating real food.

Here's the latest trend-tritious calamity to stick in my proverbial craw (nothing sticks in my real craw ~ I eat lots of fiber):

JELL-O ... with Antioxidants? For giggles and mark-up, they've also buzzworded these monstrosities with goji and acai! Thought: if you're using boiled pig bones 'n' skin, artificial sweetener, artificial color and artificial flavor as your antioxidant delivery method of choice, you're kind of missing the point.

Now, go eat a piece of fruit.

Arroz y frijoles for the white girl

2009-05-03T11:09:00.001-07:00

Plinky prompt of the day:

What was your go-to "broke meal?"

Beans & rice ~ or Arroz y Frijoles, as I called them in order to feel ethnic, revolutionary and unbroke. As if it was my meal of choice, a protest against patriarchal oppression, or maybe something with the Sandinistas...or...I don't know. I was broke.

I still love beans & rice, but now I gormandize them with wine like the detached bourgeois I've worked so hard to become. Vino la revolucion!

Breeze it, buzz it, Weezy does it

2009-04-30T20:08:00.001-07:00

Plinky's prompt of the day:

"OH NO, IT'S A RUMBLE! Quick, put together your ideal gang of street toughs!"

Isabel Sanford
In my world, Isabel "Weezy" Sanford is still alive and ready to rumble. She whipped George Jefferson into place, didn't take guff from the sassy help, and single-handedly ran the Help Center. Who we up against? Sharks? Jets? Dry cleaner convention attendees? Isabel would keep cooly-cool, boy.

Tommy Tune
He's one tall drink of water, and he'll Chicago Box your sweet ass into next Tuesday. Pow!

Joe Pesci
Like a chihuahua bouncing around a bulldog, or a mosquito buzzing in your ear during a company picnic, Pesci would annoy the rival gang to distraction. Then, he'd kneecap them and get sausage and peppers for the whole crew. Bust cool!

Click, but be warned without malice of fun that awaits!

2009-04-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

This site makes me laugh like an insane woman.

see more Engrish

New parents! Old parents! Hear Ye!

2009-04-28T10:59:00.000-07:00

21 Months is a no-nonsense resource for new parents, focusing on pregnancy and the first year of life.

New articles on 21 Months:

Also, my series about raising kids who love vegetables continues on Suite 101.

Bea Arthur's Finest Moment

2009-04-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not over Bea Arthur's death just yet, thanks for asking.

Here's the infamous Cantina Scene from the deliciously disastrous Star Wars Holiday Special of 1978. Enjoy the sizzling chemistry between dainty Bea and super-butch Harvey Korman.

The New, Sad Math: Meg Ryan Edition

2009-04-27T19:27:00.000-07:00

"Special" Agent Oso

2009-04-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

Oy. Over the weekend, my daughter and I fell prey to the Disney Advertising Juggernaut (or "Dajjie, Your New Best Friend" as they call it). We watched the heavily-promoted, yet slapped-together show, "Special Agent Oso (The Unique Stuffed Bear)".

Yikes! And here's why:

He looks and feels like a latter-day Mickey Rooney.
The animation rouses nostalgia for Dire Straits' Money For Nothing video.
The constantly befuddled Oso retains information for approximately as long as a summer sidewalk retains water marks.

My 4-year-old summed up Oso's pity-inducing ineptitude thusly: "Why is he allowed to go out by himself and fly around like an adult, but he only understands things that a baby understands?" Indeed.

When you compete with the likes of DJ Lance Rock, Candy Land, and pipe cleaner art, you'd best be bringing your A-game, flighty stuffed bear.

We're O-So over this show.

Waylon Jennings & Madame

2009-04-27T06:26:00.000-07:00

Intermittently, I get the phrase "Waylon Jennings & Madame" stuck in my head. With all respect for the dear departed Wayland Flowers, I do believe that Hoss and Madame make a spectacular team.

Here they are with Lady Bunny.

Fun Fact: Madame was buried alive with Wayland Flowers in 1988! The Serpent and the Rainbow Flag.

CAN'T GET ENOUGH MADAME? Queeny puppet reverie awaits ...

Official Madame Site: My childhood nightmare realized in Flash.
Madame's MySpace page (e-sassy!)

Haiku for 1990

2009-04-26T21:16:00.001-07:00

Shirt buttoned to top.

How shall I accessorize?

Bolo tie or brooch?

Haiku for a Guido in Point Pleasant

2009-04-26T20:25:00.000-07:00

You smell like Drakkar.

Ocean breeze...hair immobile.

What the...? Waxed eyebrows?

Haiku for 1999

2009-04-26T18:55:00.000-07:00

Sipping Absolut

Waiting for Queer Duck to load

At 28k

And then there's blog.

2009-04-25T15:38:00.000-07:00

Bea Arthur is dead. As the old saying goes, when one soul dies, another blog is born.

And so, I dedicate my first entry to Maude... Tuckahoe's most outspoken broad! The one who tried to pass off oregano as marijuana...who sauced around like a lady of half her height and breadth when a telethon or community show required her services...who never backed down from a fight with her lilliputian 17th husband Walter.

As you can see from this picture, she's urging me on with a "Gooooooo, girl" from beyond the grave. Thanks, Bea! I will.

Suite 101 and 21 Months

2009-03-01T14:42:00.000-08:00

21 Months is a no-nonsense resource for new parents, focusing on pregnancy and the first year of life.

New articles on 21 Months:

Also, my series about raising kids who love vegetables continues on Suite 101.